Inspiration comes from many sources. Today my mother told me that some jehovah’s witnesses came a-calling and she wished she had some good, quick zingers to say to let them know she’s a lost cause and they need to leave and never come back. I thought that was rather funny so I’m throwing it out to you.
If someone wants to proseletyze, what is a good, quick response to let them know they are dealing with a godless heathen who is a lost cause?
Please comment with your suggestions. Then I’ll do another post with a nice neat list we can keep nearby for when someone wants to “tell us the good news”. 
The first few suggestions are coming in! This is from an IM with my friend:
No thank you, I’m allergic.
I gave up believing in Jesus the same time I gave up Santa.
Get the fuck off my porch before I get my gun! (lol)
I believe in freedom … FROM religion.
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Damn, had I read this before, I wouldn’t have thrown away the Watchtower I found in the bus. Anyway, something I noticed from reading it (yes, I read them and them throw them away) is that it justifies its claims in the bible. Those who talk at the door will do the same. Don’t let them do it. Start questioning them why should you believe what the bible says when there are thousands of other sacred writings and myths that weren’t put into writing and did not have a publisher as powerful as the church. Talk about the koran, the vedas, Greek mythology, the more, the better. But remember, whatever you do, don’t let them cite the bible.
If you want to go deeper, criticize them for letting people die for not accepting blood transfusions. Compare that interpretation with other nonsensical stuff found in the bible that is not accepted anymore. If there is a woman trying to preach to me, I usually cite 1 Tim 2-11 and say if I were to believe what the bible says, I would be in my right to tell her to shut up.
If you need to finish, tell them you have to go, have stuff to do and have better ways to spend your time than bothering other people.
I wrote some other embarrassing points in my blog, you can check them out if you want more ammo: http://sunombreenvano.blogspot.com/2009/07/dooms-witnesses.html
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Neece Reply:
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Good tips, Diego. Thanks! These are more like full-blown arguments, though. What I’m after are some quick, short zingers to end the conversation, not just with jehovah’s witnesses but any religious person who tries to convert or otherwise go on about their god.
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I don’t have any zingers, but I do have an awesome anecdote. (Heh, don’t we all?)
I do visual effects for a living. I got my start doing prosthetics for some silly, personal low budget horror films when I was in high school. One day I had just whipped up a false cheek, overlaid on a bladder of blood, all of which I had just applied to my face. (It was one of my first attempts, so it wasn’t working so well.)
There was a knock on the door, and so I went to answer it and there were two Jehovah’s Witnesses at my door. They started talking to me for a minute or two, until one of them noticed my cheek. The bladder had started to leak and blood was dripping down through this perfectly normal looking (although somewhat swollen) piece of skin. I didn’t say anything.
They stared.
I reached up to see what the damage was and when I pushed a little too hard, the whole thing just sort of exploded… Not unlike a zit… And blood just got everywhere. I looked down to make sure I hadn’t gotten any of it on the floor (my Mom would have killed me- corn syrup, peanut butter and red dye stains!)and when I looked back up, the two witnesses were running down the street.
It was awesome.
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Neece Reply:
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:13 pm
This was the highlight of my day, Steve. Thank you SO MUCH for making me ROFL!
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Angie the Anti-Theist Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Awesome! Now I sort of wanna have a blood blister pack sitting by the front door for just such an occasion…
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Neece Reply:
October 18th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
LOL! ME TOO!
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I can’t remember the exact quote now, or where I read it, but someone printed out a notice and put it on their front door – something along the lines of: “If you want to talk to us about religion, pray for your god to make this door disappear so that you can just walk in. THEN we’ll talk.”
I rather liked that!
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Neece Reply:
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:16 pm
That’s a good one, Joules! You could adapt that to other christians too. I like it!
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I usually say “Thanks anyway, but I’m not superstitious” – then close the door on them. It’s succinct, doesn’t waste my time, and makes my point that what they are peddling is on a par with not walking under a ladder and that sort of nonsense.
I think a bumper sticker with a Darwin Fish on it and the words “Not Superstitious” would make a nice statement too, but I don’t want my car keyed.
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Neece Reply:
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Nice. Subtle, not overly offensive. Good one, Eli. Thanks!
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OOOOOH! You guys are just in time. I was wondering where I would find a suitable sacrifice for tonight’s ceremony. You are virgins, aren’t you? (Wear a shirt or apron with “blood” on it when you answer the door if you really want to freak them out)
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Neece Reply:
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:20 pm
HA! Good one, Buffy! Love it!
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“Oh, I’ve been faith-free since [insert year].”
“I’m not really into cannibalism.” After the usual blank stare: “You know, eating flesh and drinking blood.”
“I have a problem worshiping a cosmic Jewish zombie who is his own father.”
And for a few good laughs: Jehovah’s Witnesses versus a Pastafarian
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Neece Reply:
October 18th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Johnny, that’s awesome.
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When the Mormon missionaries come knocking:
1) “Wasn’t Joseph Smith that crazy fellow?”
2) Imply you are already “taken care of”. Try the following: “Oh, Bishop Johnson has taken care of us, but I’m sure he would like to meet you boys.”
Direct them to the house of the nearest neighbor you want to annoy. *** In my case, I actually direct them across the street to the house of the Bishop for the local Ward, so it’s not even a lie. (Incidentally, the “Bishop” is a great neighbor and is not annoyed by this.)
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Neece Reply:
October 18th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
LOL! That’s funny!
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I know I’m late to the game but…I once explained I was about to start changing the oil in my car and asked for their assistance. They moved on quite quickly.
Usually I just say “I deny the holy spirit. Sorry! that’s an unforgivable sin!” then shut the door.
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Neece Reply:
October 18th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Oh, that’s good! Ask them to help clean the gutters or something!
And denying the holy spirit. Good one!
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A street preacher asked if I’d accepted Christ’s gift and I said, “Yeah, but I returned it.”
Then there’s my dad’s (disturbing) approach, of answering the door in his girlfriend’s frilly pink bathrobe and asking the JW’s if they like porn. (My dad is so painfully weird – must be where I get it from.)
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Neece Reply:
October 18th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
I think I like your answer better, Angie. LOL!
And I really didn’t need an image of a guy in a frilly pink bathrobe asking about porn. TMI! LOL!
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it hasn’t happened in quite a while, but last time they showed up (they had “the watchtower” publication with them) i bulged my eyes out, put on a demented smile, slowly rolled my head to the side and said in a high-pitched laugh “satan is my sweet king!” then i got all straight- faced and told them to get the hell off my porch.
all of them, a man, woman and a boy-child of about 10 years, got horrified looks on their faces and backed away down the sidewalk. not one of their kind has been back since, thanks be to the holy pink unicorn, bless her holy hooves.
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Neece Reply:
October 18th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Funny, I can see you doing that Groovecat. LOL!
Yay for the IPU!
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