Heaving Dead Cats » lord

Why Does God Hate Pigs?

Neece — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 01:37:53 +0000

More to the point, why do Jews and Muslims hate pigs, since god doesn’t exist. But for the sake of argument, let’s look at the bible and quran to see what they say about the other white meat.

Question: Are pigs native to the Middle East, then? If no decent jew or muslim could eat them, why were they raised and by whom?

God seems quite fickle about what were were to eat:

Adam and Eve are supposed to eat a vegan diet: Genesis 1:29: And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.
Noah and his sons can eat any living thing, but they have to drain the blood first: Genesis 9:2-4: And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered. Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things. But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.

That didn’t last long because in Deuteronomy and Leviticus he gets into all the things that are forbidden. Here I’ll highlight the references to swine.

Leviticus 11:7: And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you.
Deuteronomy 14:8: And the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is unclean unto you: ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcase.

In Proverbs, we see more insults to the pig and loose women:

Proverbs 11:22: As a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.

In Isaiah, eating swineflesh or mice means god will have to kill you:

Isaiah 66:16-17: For by fire and by his sword will the LORD plead with all flesh: and the slain of the LORD shall be many. God will “plead with all flesh” with fire and sword, “and the slain of the Lord shall be many.” They that sanctify themselves, and purify themselves in the gardens behind one tree in the midst, eating swine’s flesh, and the abomination, and the mouse, shall be consumed together, saith the LORD.

What does the new testament say about the pig?

Jesus obviously hated pigs. He killed a whole herd of them in the gospels:

Matthew 8:32: And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters. (Same story Mark 5:7-17, Luke 8:26-37)

In all three accounts Jesus and his posse are asked to leave. Maybe because they were valuable pigs.

Why drive demons into a herd of swine? Isn’t that wasteful? Who’s herd was it? Why would anyone be raising pigs if Jews couldn’t eat them? Why not just zap the demons with laser eyes or something? Jesus was so unimaginative, if you ask me. (Don’t even get me started about his hatred of a fig tree)

Jesus also insults pigs (as well as dogs):

Matthew 7:6: Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.

But then, to confuse matters (we know how consistent and On Message the bible is), Some heavenly voice talks to Peter. It’s apparently the lord.

Acts 10:10-16: And he became very hungry, and would have eaten: but while they made ready, he fell into a trance, And saw heaven opened, and a certain vessel descending upon him, as it had been a great sheet knit at the four corners, and let down to the earth: Wherein were all manner of fourfooted beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air. And there came a voice to him, Rise, Peter; kill, and eat. But Peter said, Not so, Lord; for I have never eaten any thing that is common or unclean. And the voice spake unto him again the second time, What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common.

So if god cleans it, then it’s not common and OK to eat? Oh, these weird visions. Even Peter didn’t know what the hell it meant.

Now in Romans, we have more conflicting messages:

Romans 14:2: For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs.

So if you are a believer you can eat anything, but you’re weak if you’re a vegetarian? But wait! There’s more!

Romans 14:14-15: I know, and am persuaded by the Lord Jesus, that there is nothing unclean of itself: but to him that esteemeth any thing to be unclean, to him it is unclean. But if thy brother be grieved with thy meat, now walkest thou not charitably. Destroy not him with thy meat, for whom Christ died.

Ok, now nothing is unclean (yay, bacon!) of itself, but if you think it’s icky, then it’s icky. Is that like The Secret or something? Your thoughts make things dirty? What is the second verse? Christ died for bacon? No? Well it doesn’t make much sense to me. (Then again I’m a lowly woman and I can’t teach or ask questions about the bible, so this is all circumspect anyway.)

One more:

Romans 14:21: It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak.

Srsly, WTF? That’s the same chapter! Am I the only one who finds it confusing?

Speaking of Timothy:

1 Timothy 4:1-4: Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils; Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron; Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth. For every creature of God is good, and nothing to be refused, if it be received with thanksgiving:

So some will leave the faith and become vegetarians. I guess that’s bad? But it clarifies the issue, that now every creature of god is good and not to be refused. Just be thankful about it. I guess they got tired of not eating pork and rabbits and other creatures. Probably because they were low on goats, having sacrificed so many to their god (who loves the smell of burning flesh.. NOM!)

Now, just to be fair, allah in the quran also hates pigs but only has to mention it twice:

The Cow 2:173: He hath forbidden you only carrion, and blood, and swineflesh, and that which hath been immolated to (the name of) any other than Allah. But he who is driven by necessity, neither craving nor transgressing, it is no sin for him. Lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.

So, as a side note, islam talks of other gods, then too. But like christianity and judaism, you have to only worship the one hateful god of your people, I guess.

The Table Spread 5:3: Forbidden unto you (for food) are carrion and blood and swineflesh, and that which hath been dedicated unto any other than Allah, and the strangled, and the dead through beating, and the dead through falling from a height, and that which hath been killed by (the goring of) horns, and the devoured of wild beasts, saving that which ye make lawful (by the death-stroke), and that which hath been immolated unto idols. And (forbidden is it) that ye swear by the divining arrows. This is an abomination. This day are those who disbelieve in despair of (ever harming) your religion; so fear them not, fear Me! This day have I perfected your religion for you and completed My favour unto you, and have chosen for you as religion al-Islam. Whoso is forced by hunger, not by will, to sin: (for him) lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.

Oh, and saying allah is merciful and forgiving in between mentioning all the doom he’s going to heap on you for any little thing doesn’t lessen the cognitive dissonance (aka, the CRAZY).

Richard Dawkins “Rose From The Dead”

sheisgod — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 16:41:21 +0000

From NewsBiscuit

via RichardDawkins.net

Confirmed atheist Richard Dawkins was forced onto the defensive yesterday after he died but subsequently rose from the dead in a miraculous resurrection, much like that of the son of God Jesus Christ.

‘There are a number of perfectly logical scientific explanations for what has happened’ he told journalists flocking to hear his story or just touch the hem of his clothing. ‘Although I was pronounced dead after the unfortunate incident on Friday, the doctors clearly made a mistake. The fact that there was thunder and lightning, and those around claim to have heard the sound of angelic voices is completely irrelevant.’

Dawkins suffered a shocking but ironic death on Friday having been seized by a mysterious gang of burly men dressed as Roman soldiers. They nailed him to a cross, and left him there until he died some hours later. However on Sunday, his body was no longer to be found in Slough mortuary, and he was seen walking on the A4 towards his home, where his resurrection was hailed as a miracle.

It is being suggested in some quarters that Richard Dawkins was being taught a lesson by God, who has now given him magical powers including the ability to walk on water and cast out demons. A bitter Pope Benedict said ‘Why is it the naughty ones get all the attention? I have been saying that I definitely, definitely believe in God for ages and I haven’t been given the ability to perform a single miracle. Unless you count progressing from the Hitler Youth to being God’s representative on Earth, I suppose.’

Despite the miraculous events of the past few days, Richard Dawkins was standing by his militant atheism. ‘All of it can be explained by science and rational thought’ he insisted to reporters outside his front door. At this point a leper rushed through the crowd, and kissed Dawkins’ feet, only to stand up apparently totally cured of her hideous affliction. ‘OK, that is pretty impressive, I admit’ said the author of The God Delusion. ‘Oh shit, I think I’m going to get pissed.’ At that he touched a bottle of mineral water, turning it into Chateau Lafitte 1967, and slunk inside to drink it.

Penn and Teller, Bullshit!

sheisgod — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:30:14 +0000

Creationism

Holier than Thou

Let’s Pick Out The Lies – Part 2

Neece — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:25:14 +0000

This is part two of a forwarded email I received the other day. Part One is here.

The rest of this email was all added on sometime in 2006. It was NOT said by Ben Stein. This kind of stuff drives me crazy. People forward emails because they blindly believe what is being sent. They just accept that it’s all true and important, so they send it to me, and you, whether we like it or not. I really can’t stand spam when it comes from someone I know.

Anyhoo, the following is a combination of older items about a TV appearance of Anne Graham Lotz (Billy Graham’s daughter) made just after 9-11 and the false claim that child care expert Dr. Benjamin Spock’s son committed suicide.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it’s not funny, it’s intended to get you thinking.

Talking about an invisible man in the sky does not really require thinking. It is blindly believing in fairy tales, but I digress.

Billy Graham’s daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her ‘How could God let something like this happen?’ (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, ‘I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we’ve been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?’

Extremely profound and insightful? I see it more like anthropomorphizing a mythical being in the sky to react with human emotions and behaviors. I’ll go back to my thought yesterday regarding god in our schools and government. He was never invited in the first place. This country was built on religious freedom.

And I am sure god isn’t deeply saddened (a human emotion, not very godlike), since there is no evidence to suggest that any god exists at all.

In light of recent events… terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O’Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn’t want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Again, very simply, the bible or any religous text was never supposed to be in a public school. Prayer does not belong in school. Read the Constitution, study early American history, read the Bill of Rights.

The bible also condones slavery. You’re cherry picking what you want to believe out of a book written in the Iron Age. And nothing started with O’Hare’s murder. Humans have been killing each other for thousands and thousands of years. Naming an arbitrary crime as a starting place is absurd.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn’t spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr Spock’s son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he’s talking about. And we said OK.

According to Snopes, Dr. Spock’s son didn’t kill himself. So this is an outright lie. Yes, an expert should know what he (or she) is talking about. Not all experts are created equal. Not all research is created equal. If you really want to take responsibility for raising your kids, learn all you can. Don’t rely on one supposed sensationalized expert.

The writer of this nonsense isn’t an expert himself, of course. He is simply quoting whatever suits his needs to get an emotional response from you the reader.

Now we’re asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don’t know right from wrong, and why it doesn’t bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with ‘WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.’

I will agree with you that we do reap what we sow. Bad and lazy parenting over several generations has created children and young adults with very little sense of responsibility. What the writer is doing is laying blame on Dr. Spock, schools and the government for society’s bad parenting. YOU, The PARENT, have to take responsibility. It’s a huge life-long job to raise a happy, healthy productive member of society. You can’t blame that on everyone else. You have to take on that job yourself if you make a baby. People don’t do that today. They expect everyone else to do all of the work.

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world’s going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send ‘jokes’ through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

No, I’m not laughing. This email isn’t based on any kind of sense. I’m an atheist. I am kind to people. I don’t kill, I don’t steal, I don’t even cheat on my husband. Funny how most atheists are good people. (In my opinion, I know a lot of atheists, and they are all good people). Religious people can’t understand that. But I’m a good person just because it’s the right thing to do. Not because I’m scared of burning in hell. I don’t need to be scared into being good. On the other hand, many religious people commit horrible acts of “sin”. (again, this is my personal experience with religious folks). Why do they do it when I don’t? Fascinating, huh?

You’re suggesting here that you can’t question the bible. I say you must question what newspapers and news shows and EVERYONE says. You must question what is said to you. Because it’s another human saying it or writing it, and people make mistakes. People lie. People are greedy and power-hungry and money-hungry.

This email isn’t about a “public discussion”. It’s about manipulating information to suit your message. “Don’t think for yourself, just do what the bible says”, even though the bible was written over 2,000 years ago and has been edited and changed and warped and interpreted thousands of times. It’s just a book. Not a very nice book if you would actually read the whole thing. And god isn’t a very nice god in there, either.

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you’re not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it… no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don’t sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.

My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,
Ben Stein

Again, Ben Stein didn’t write any of this. He wrote the part I posted yesterday. So signing his name here is a LIE. Christians aren’t supposed to lie. Hmm… And to make it worse it’s signed “honestly and respectfully.” Very ironic. Very hypocritical.

I ask you, before you forward any emails, seriously consider what you’re sending along. Is it actually factual? Probably not. Go to Snopes to check it out, or some other website to see if you’re participating in a campaign to spread lies and bad information.

If you get emails like this, let’s bring them into the open and refute them so that they stop getting spread around altogether. Why not reply to the email with some facts and actual information? (although, in my experience, that doesn’t really go over well). Or forward it to us at heavingdeadcats@gmail.com and we’ll take it apart and shed some light on the lies together.

He is right, though. You don’t really have any right to complain if you sit back and do nothing. If you support lies and forward junk to people, you’re making things worse, not better. If you do nothing, you’re not helping at all. At least question the sender, make them think for just a moment about what they are doing, what they might think about, on their own.

When it comes to talking to your kids, encourage critical thinking, not blind obedience and vapid acceptance of someone else’s stale old belief system. Seriously. It’s your job as a parent. Take responsibility for helping them to think for themselves. You and society will be glad you did.

Let’s Pick Out the Lies- Part 1

Neece — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 05:50:11 +0000

Personally I don’t like to talk to friends and family about politics or religion. The older I get the more strongly I feel about certain issues. While I try to remain open to more information, and am willing to learn and grow and change my thinking, my tolerance for certain behaviors in those around me wanes.

Anyway, the other day I got an email from an acquaintance. She hasn’t emailed me in about 2 years, but I guess this was so important to her that she just had to send it to her entire email list. Instead of deleting it, I thought I’d share it with you.

Here’s the email in its entirety, with my commentary thrown in after each “quote”.

Subject: is quite impressive , what do you think
Remarks from CBS Sunday Morning (everyone should read!)
I can only hope we find God again before it is too late!!

(oh lordy I’m so glad I got this email! Now I can see the light of god and I’m saved from hell! Oh wait, no. It was just a seizure.)

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:
I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees. I don’t feel threatened. I don’t feel discriminated against. That’s what they are: Christmas trees.

It doesn’t bother me a bit when people say, ‘Merry Christmas’ to me. I don’t think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year.. It doesn’t bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, it’s just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don’t like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don’t think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can’t find it in the Constitution and I don’t like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren’t allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that’s a sign that I’m getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

What the email fails to tell you is that this was written and read by Ben Stein right before xmas of 2005. It was worded a bit differently, but that’s basically it. There were a few extra paragraphs at the beginning. You can read a transcript at Snopes.

Ok, Ben, I hate to tell you, it’s well documented that the Constitution is decidedly NON-religious. Not to mention the FIRST AMENDMENT. And, while we’re at it, no one seriously pushes around Jews or christians in this country. Unless it’s one church bashing another, this country is very much pro-god. No one is pushing you around. Yet here you are, crying “poor me”, lying to everyone about the foundations of America, showing your ignorance, and people are eating it up because they’re ignorant too. America isn’t atheist, but it was founded on RELIGIOUS FREEDOM which INCLUDES FREEDOM FROM RELIGION. Read the Constitution. And here are the Bill of Rights. The First Amendment might prove interesting if you please. You might learn something about the Separation of Church and State.

Oh, and the beauty of the First Amendment is that you CAN worship your god. See how nice that is? But it also means that I can be god-free, too. Get it? Just don’t try to mix your god in with our government. That’s against the Constitution that you obviously haven’t read. So if you want to worship your god at home or in your church or synagogue, that’s totally cool. But public schools and courthouses are part of the government, and god needs to stay out. He’s not invited. Don’t blame me. Talk to Thomas Jefferson and his buddies. They specifically kept god out of the government just so you could worship him as you like, privately. We are a DEMOCRACY, not a THEOCRACY. See? The letters are different and everything.

OK! Well! I kind of ranted a bit there, but I feel very strongly about the Bill of Rights and the Constitution. So, instead of doing a 5 mile long post, I’m going to cut it off here where the real Ben Stein part ends, and I’ll do the rest of it tomorrow in a fresh rant, err.. post. Part Two is here.

Birth of a Religion, Yummier Than Before!

Neece — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 02:46:17 +0000

How does a religion come into being? Well, in this day and age, maybe by instant message between two friends, late at night, while surfing the internet for interesting stuff…

Here’s the recipe for Hess and Neece’s (aka Fruitloop) Religion:

serves: Humanity

2: godless heathens

1: internets (can substitute 1 intertoobs, 1 webbernets or 1 ripe interwebs)

1: news article detailing wacky fundamentalist training camp

Chat and let simmer for 3-4 hours (cooking times vary in high altitudes)

Let cool then cut into squares.

Hessenroots: ” TheCall Institute exists to equip, disciple and commission an emerging generation of radical Nazirites to prepare the way of the Lord by embracing a lifestyle of prayer and fasting that is energized by intimacy with Jesus. ” http://www.thecall.com/

Fruitloop: oh jesus. That’s rather scary.

Hessenroots: yeah, no pun taken.

Fruitloop: pun intended

Hessenroots: “International House of Prayer University” abbreviates itself IHOP! http://www.ihop.org/

Fruitloop: ROFL!!!!

Hessenroots: I do love me some pancakes

Fruitloop: I love their crepes. I sing hallelujah every time I go in there

Hessenroots: anyway, sorry…this is just too amusing/scary for me to stop reading. The name of their campus – ” IHOP Missions Base”

Fruitloop: oh jeez

Hessenroots: strategic pancake operations in a secret underground bunker!

Fruitloop: it’s the french toast underground!

Hessenroots: it’s the yummiest revolution ever!

Fruitloop: REAL syrup too!

Hessenroots: *gasp*

Fruitloop: hee hee

Hessenroots: with powdered sugar, cinnamon and fresh maple syrup I may be lured to the other side….

Fruitloop: yes. me too. I’m feeling my atheism weaken at my beltline! Where is this IHOP? oh, I Googled it. I was hoping you were joking

Hessenroots: TheCall Institute
c/o the International House of Prayer University
12444 Grandview Rd
Grandview, MO 64030
(816) 763-3070 x7150

Fruitloop: oh my… does it come with BACON? because if it comes with bacon, I’m switching

Hessenroots: it doesn’t say… crispy bacon and I’m there

Fruitloop: oh.. oh.. this is devastating

Hessenroots: that’s what they need…forget those tasteless communion wafers and disgusting wine. French toast, crispy bacon

Fruitloop: no kidding!

Hessenroots: christ could be so much more delicious!

Fruitloop: WOW.. we could start something here!

Hessenroots: hmmm

Fruitloop: you are onto something.. BIG….

Hessenroots: I could be

Fruitloop: Something….. DELICIOUS!

Hessenroots: now I’m curious if IHOP is a registered trademark

Fruitloop: hee hee…

Hessenroots: thousands of people already gather for pancakes every morning…it’s a head start

Fruitloop: yes. The cult of the warm syrup

Hessenroots: hmmm

Fruitloop: the breakfast place I go to heats the syrup up for you

Hessenroots: as they should. Well, I suppose our Breakfasty Savior wouldn’t care what syrup it is. As long as there is syrup, and it’s warm

Fruitloop: wow. Yeah.. he might be flexible as to brand and such. As long as it’s real too.

Hessenroots: though, there might be a splinter group that misinterprets the teachings and believes that only pure maple is the true path. And people would bicker about how they like their bacon cooked

Fruitloop: yes. True. I like mine soft. Already there are factions!

Hessenroots: and I like mine crispy

Fruitloop: oh no! We’re doomed

Hessenroots: hey, jihad on you! CRISPY is the only true path…your limp bacon is a fallacy in the eyes of our

Delicious Savior!

Fruitloop: HA No.. crispy is a cry for help.

Hessenroots: pshaw!

Fruitloop: soft is the true choice of the lord of IHOP

Hessenroots: instead of hail marys do we eat waffles and pray?

Fruitloop: I think we count sugar packets and refill the ketchups and pray

Hessenroots: ooooo, ok

Fruitloop: see, you really should know this stuff, if you’re to be a Grand High Muckety Muck

Hessenroots: I think we can unify the factions

Fruitloop: how?

Hessenroots: as long as we agree that cold cereal is wrong

Fruitloop: HA! YES! Cold cereal is the work of the Evil Underlord.

Hessenroots: Because really, some people might prefer sausage. Then you get the patty vs. link groups

Fruitloop: and what kind of hash browns! The slices or the grated…

Hessenroots: even within pancakes….buttermilk, whole wheat, blueberry, chocolate chip

Fruitloop: I know.. with whipped cream or not?

Hessenroots: we’ll have to make sure people understand that it’s not what the breakfast is, just the idea of the breakfast

Hessenroots: pancakes, waffles, french toast, bacon, sausage, hash browns, even…breakfast burritos

Fruitloop: right. or breakfast skillets.

Hessenroots: yep. oooo with those little fried potato bits

Fruitloop: what about steak and eggs too?

Fruitloop: just nothing cold

Hessenroots: yeah nothing cold

Hessenroots: fuck captain crunch

Fruitloop: fuck tony the tiger

Hessenroots: yeah, him too. what a jerk

Fruitloop: seriously

Hessenroots: Tony the Tiger wants your children in HELL

Fruitloop: they are the infidels..

Hessenroots: They’re not GRRRREAT

Fruitloop: HA!

Hessenroots: it is said that breakfast is the most important meal of the day

Fruitloop: AMEN!

Hessenroots: hmmm… the Pastafarians will not like this

Fruitloop: oh.. no.

Hessenroots: they’re all about dinner

Fruitloop: at least we’re all about carbs too, though

Hessenroots: true! and grease

Fruitloop: jesus loved him a good breakfast. He said it in the book of Acts

Hessenroots: except he had fish and bread

Fruitloop: yeah, well, he was a Jew. He didn’t know any better

Hessenroots: FALSE PROPHET! Jews can eat waffles, I’ve seen it

Fruitloop: HA! They love IHOP, I’ve seen it too

Hessenroots: were jeebus a true prophet, he would have embraced the ONE and TRUE breakfast

Fruitloop: yes.

Hessenroots: (have to make sure you type in all caps every once in a while)

Fruitloop: AMEN BROTHA!

Hessenroots: I don’t get it but xians do it

Fruitloop: and Capitalize some words too.

Hessenroots: oh Yes, ones in the Middle of sentences

Fruitloop: YES! Can I hear you say, MAPLE SYRUP?

Hessenroots: *speaks in tongues*

Fruitloop: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hessenroots: ok so we have a basis of faith

Fruitloop: yes. Definitely

Hessenroots: and a LOT of holy places to gather

Fruitloop: yes!

Hessenroots: IHOP has that covered

Hessenroots: along with perkins, dennys and the likes

Fruitloop: but I say every day is holy

Hessenroots: oh yeah. And you can eat breakfast at any time of day at those places

Fruitloop: not just SUNDAYS but TUESDAYS too!

Hessenroots: so there’s no specific time, day or place

Fruitloop: yes, I feel it

Hessenroots: as long as you know in your heart that Breakfast is the only TRUE path to…something

Fruitloop: fill your face with pancakes while we fill your soul…

Hessenroots: hmph, we need an end goal

Fruitloop: um.. end goal.. yes. And a punishment.. for not tipping.

Hessenroots: norse had valhalla, xians have heaven, radical muslims get virgins

Fruitloop: there should be lots of vague threats too

Hessenroots: oh yes, the Tasty Lord demands 15%

Fruitloop: what does the Tasty Lord give us then?

Hessenroots: well, each breakfast is a gift

Fruitloop: yes.. 15%, but 25% for large parties

Hessenroots: well yes, the 25% may be added to your bill (see manager for details***)

Fruitloop: ah.. yes.. every day with breakfast is a gift from The Tasty Lord. but we need a big reward

Hessenroots: yeah, like 72 virgins, drinking with your ancestors, eternal happiness, all that

Fruitloop: and our managers are the equivalent of those nasty priests. How about…. 42 waitresses.. eternal bliss, and eternal bacon!

Hessenroots: slightly bookish waitresses with thick rimmed glasses, and a river of coffee that is always hot

Fruitloop: oh! like Willy Wonka’s place..

Hessenroots: yeah but less creepy

Fruitloop: IHOP in the SKY!

Hessenroots: EHOP – Eternal House of Pancakes

Fruitloop: rivers of coffee, fountains of maple syrup. YAY AMEN!

Hessenroots: using pancakes in the name really might send the wrong message

Fruitloop: too damn bad, then go to Hell! .. fields of soft fluffy pancakes

Hessenroots: ooo… That you can roll around in naked and no one cares

Fruitloop: what is hell then?

Hessenroots: General Mills ?

Fruitloop: yes! cold cereal hell!

Hessenroots: icy rivers of milk

Hessenroots: crunchy flakes that carve at the roof of your mouth!

Fruitloop: yes! and NO BANANAS or FRESH FRUIT. Just cold cereal and only SKIM MILK

Hessenroots: …old skim milk

Fruitloop: NO nutritious breakfast.. just eternal punishment. OH ! and it’s only HORKIN’ FIBER CHUNKS or something horrible like that!

Hessenroots: oooo bran twigs. Ew! I’m SO eating waffles tomorrow

Fruitloop: BRAN TWIGS.. with old skim milk! I’m SO getting french toast soon! LOL

Hessenroots: lucky the leprechaun sits on a throne of marshmallow skulls. There will be those that argue they don’t have time for such breakfasts. Kids, careers, etc. etc.

Fruitloop: oh yes.

Hessenroots: But why risk your soul rotting in old skim milk

Fruitloop: I know.. just because you’re lazy or busy.. it’s too risky. Don’t forget to tip your waitress!

Hessenroots: we’ll just invoke Pascal’s wager on the non believers. it works for xians

Fruitloop: right!

Hessenroots: the Pastafarians have a stripper factory and a beer volcano. That’s hard to beat.

Fruitloop: do they really? Oh. I didn’t know that. Damn

Hessenroots: oh yeah, it’s in the contract

Fruitloop: how do we outdo that?

Hessenroots: their heaven has a beer volcano and a stripper factory. Well, strippers aren’t for everyone. Nor is beer

Fruitloop: true. Exactly

Hessenroots: but who doesn’t like a hearty breakfast and cute flirty waitresses? 42 is important, we’ll stress that. in caps
Fruitloop: the waitresses are the equivalent of nuns.. they take your order and save your soul

Hessenroots: yep

Fruitloop: yes. 42.

Hessenroots: and once in heaven they serve you for eternity

Fruitloop: with the streets paved in hash browns

Hessenroots: fields of fluffy pancakes, streets gold and sizzling with fresh crispy hash browns

Fruitloop: and mountains made of omelets.. don’t forget the fluffy omelets

Hessenroots: with bits of ham. hmmm, dilemma…perhaps

Fruitloop: dilemma?

Hessenroots: we can’t say “waitresses” specifically

Fruitloop: wait staff?

Hessenroots: hmm. Just thinking that some ladies might not be enticed by having 42 cute, slightly geeky yet flirty waitresses at their beck and call

Fruitloop: yeah. good point. damn fools that they are

Hessenroots: eh, their loss I guess. We can’t rewrite the scripture just to suit their needs. We’re not catholics!

Fruitloop: right! HAHAhAHAHA!

Hessenroots: do we need commandments? like general rules? People like structure as long as it isn’t rigid or oppressive

Fruitloop: um, for the ladies, 42 waiters that moonlight as FIREMEN! yes.. definitely need commandments

Hessenroots: funny co-mingling of fantasies there

Fruitloop: ok.. commandments

Hessenroots: I’d do with 42 waitresses that moonlight as librarians

Fruitloop: do we have to do it in old English?

Hessenroots: oh shit no. That’s dull

Fruitloop: ok.. good. I hate old English. The slogan of IHOP is.. This Is My IHOP.. I like that

Hessenroots: ooh yeah. Oh, Pastafarians also have to dress as pirates when they preach. it’s a pretty strict rule

Fruitloop: the managers do the preaching. Managers as a general rule aren’t very sexy or interesting. we have to sex them up a bit, I think, to get some interest.

Hessenroots: according to Pastafarian scientists the decline in pirates over the last 200 years is the cause of global warming, so they dress like pirates to help the environment

Fruitloop: oh wow. I didn’t know that. the manager .. hmm.. really needs to do something special… oh, MAN.. the guys in the BACK! THE COOKS! who are they!? what do they MEAN!? Oh, First Commandment: never send a meal back to the kitchen.

Hessenroots: each meal is a gift, but… the skill of the cook is to blame, not the breakfast

Fruitloop: right!

Hessenroots: so if you send it back, do so only if you’re unsure of the cook’s loyalty

Fruitloop: the cook.. the cook is like.. the magician of the universe..

Hessenroots: the cook channels The Word

Fruitloop: the cook channels The Word!

Hessenroots: we have our first nugget of mysticism! Religions with mystics are far more interesting

Fruitloop: OH YES, HALLELUJAH! pass the SYRUP!

Hessenroots: cooks are akin to medicine men, spirit guides almost

Fruitloop: YES! exactly. but you can never see a cook or talk to one

Hessenroots: if you do, you have to repent. Or at least compliment him or her, humbly

Fruitloop: Second Commandment: you must only order from the menu. order wisely. it’s your connection to the WORD

Hessenroots: yes

Fruitloop: repent. yes.. contrition is GOOD

Hessenroots: for the menu is there for a reason and is not to be questioned

Fruitloop: no, never question the holy menu. It is sacred and never changes (except when price changes come through in April and December)

Hessenroots: on the subject of cooks, I think approaching one for guidance or insight is ok as long as you aren’t distracting them from their holy work

Fruitloop: oh wow..

Hessenroots: we do have seasonal menus here

Fruitloop: I think you have to go through the waiter or waitress.

Hessenroots: yeah, that’s important. oooo! they’re the VOICE, like the metatron

Fruitloop: if you talk to the cook, you interrupt the FLOW .. the FLOW of the WORD. yes.. the wait staff is the VOICE

Hessenroots: the cook is the HAND

Fruitloop: HA! YES!

Hessenroots: the wait staff is the VOICE

Fruitloop: the manager is?

Hessenroots: well, the manager really has no specific skill set, per se. Typically

Fruitloop: right.. he is the DIRECTOR.. the one that keeps the ball rolling.. keeps the meals flowing, keeps the schedule

Hessenroots: hmm, hand and voice… the manager is the HEART. He keeps things flowing, is strong and vital

Fruitloop: OH! that’s RIGHT! yes! And the busboys… ??

Hessenroots: all paths lead to the HEART

Fruitloop: yes.. YES!

Hessenroots: busboys, hmm… well, typically a dishwasher/busboy is below a cook. so they’re in service of the One True Deliciousness, but not yet attuned to ITS service

Fruitloop: oh.. right.. they aren’t part of the ONE

Hessenroots: yeah

Fruitloop: right.. they are the novices

Hessenroots: sort of like altar boys, but less rape

Fruitloop: right! hmm. I think we need to name our god here… something catchy

Hessenroots: well I’m thinking… perhaps we go polytheistic? one main and several sub gods

Fruitloop: yes. I like where you’re going with this

Hessenroots: the One True Deliciousness would be like Zeus or Odin

Fruitloop: The One True Deliciousness.. the god that cannot be named

Hessenroots: beneath that we have pancakes, etc. etc.

Fruitloop: I see… that’s complicated..

Hessenroots: that way we keep possible splinter groups happy. it’s complex but all encompassing

Fruitloop: complexity can be good

Hessenroots: say you don’t like pancakes but still want to appease your Delicious Lord

Fruitloop: OH!

Hessenroots: you can have french toast, the deity of which would be appeased

Fruitloop: yes.. but don’t be snubbing the Lord Of Bacon.. he gets testy if you go for steak and eggs

Hessenroots: oh sure, the gods will have personalities. the Greeks did that well

Fruitloop: yes. Definitely. and it answers a lot of questions for people, like why they got in a car accident.

Hessenroots: yep

Fruitloop: well, they were favoring the carbs, and didn’t eat any sausage …. Sausage Man got mad

Hessenroots: instead of “the lord works in mysterious ways” we can say “you probably should have had more bacon”

Fruitloop: exactly. did you know they serve lunch and dinner, as well as dessert? oh the complications!

Hessenroots: IHOP?

Fruitloop: IHOP. yes http://www.ihop.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=31&Itemid=2

Hessenroots: that’s fine though, they’re still running a business

Fruitloop: yes. but eating a lunch or dinner will not save your SOUL

Hessenroots: the worshippers can get whatever they like but know in their hearts what the ONE wants them to eat

Fruitloop: right.

Hessenroots: going to other eateries is just fine too

Fruitloop: listen to your HEART.. get the omelet

Hessenroots: greasy cafes and truck stops have some awesome breakfasts and will laugh at you if you order cold cereal

Fruitloop: true. it’s like visiting another church

Hessenroots: they’re a bit more pure but no more or less important

Fruitloop: it’s ok to do sometimes, but you really need to come back to your home, YOUR IHOP

Hessenroots: some places don’t have IHOPs though

Fruitloop: those are forsaken places

Hessenroots: we just got them a few years ago

Fruitloop: they need ministering. you were lost in a land of darkness… heathens!

Hessenroots: Perkins has, for a long time, had a lock on that market. and still too, as Perkin’s is 24 hours and IHOP closes at midnight

Fruitloop: you needed the structure, the steep roof of the IHOP. ah.. those heathens

Hessenroots: the message is more important

Fruitloop: I don’t know… I think.. I think maybe, you really DO need to frequent your IHOP.. I mean for the sake of your soul

Hessenroots: but a pilgrimage to IHOP is encouraged

Fruitloop: that’s fine for maintenance, but for real connection to the WORD.. you need US.. you need IHOP. oh, it’s mandatory, don’t you think? you can’t go to Perkins all your life.

Hessenroots: true

Fruitloop: that’s .. that’s almost blasphemy

Hessenroots: though it could cause a rift, once again

Fruitloop: yes. well, then they’ll freeze in cold skim milk hell.

Hessenroots: hah! at least ONCE in your lifetime for a chance at salvation

Fruitloop: soul work is not always easy. sometimes you have to wait for a table

Hessenroots: regular visits are smiled upon though

Fruitloop: yes. well, I see factions that insist a weekly visit is necessary. for good and proper soul maintenance. but that’s up for debate

Hessenroots: yeah. oh, if you have to wait for a table you should not get bitchy…others need to feel the Delicious Spirit as much as you do

Fruitloop: yes. the Delicious Spirit requires patience… tolerance.. love for your fellow patrons

Hessenroots: thinking also on an image…people like having a symbol – cross, etc

Fruitloop: it needs to be really simple.. something iconic

Hessenroots: yeah

Fruitloop: an egg? it’s in all things breakfast

Hessenroots: iconic of a hearty breakfast yet not specific to one breakfast item

Fruitloop: cup of coffee? nah.. OH! a BLUE plate with a fork and knife! and a napkin.. The Delicious Lord likes us to be tidy

Hessenroots: oh we can do all sorts of stuff with colors. people will want them on necklaces and bumper stickers that might not do color so well

Fruitloop: right. Ok. I was thinking blue plate special

Hessenroots: omg THAT is wrong

Fruitloop: that’s HORRIBLE! that’s SOOO WRONG! HAHAHAHAHAH!

Hessenroots: what about a spatula? it’s simple

Fruitloop: ooh.. yes.. spatula it is. slotted or flat? stainless steel?

Hessenroots: slotted and preferably stainless steel. plastic melts. wood is lame

Fruitloop: yes

Hessenroots: no serious HAND of the Deliciousness would use a plastic spatula

Fruitloop: no! of course not! how dare you speak such heresy!

Hessenroots: I’ll have to repent.

Fruitloop: LOL! and what does repenting entail? these look good. I like the first one

Hessenroots: first one looks good, yeah. Slotted isn’t crucial. ok wow, my mind worries me sometimes

Fruitloop: what?

Hessenroots: that heart shaped one

Fruitloop: you like the heart shaped one?

Hessenroots: uhm no. first thought I had was it was the perfect shape for slapping someone on the ass

Fruitloop: oh good! LOL yeah.. I thought that too..

Hessenroots: hah

Fruitloop: REPENT! how do you repent to IHOP, The Delicious One?

Hessenroots: nothing wrong with that, The Delicious One cares not what we do in our free time

Fruitloop: hee hee

Hessenroots: as long as it doesn’t involve cold cereal

Fruitloop: true. Right. but still, how do you repent?

Hessenroots: what was our version of hail marys?

Fruitloop: um… count sugar packets and refill the ketchup bottles. wow, there are a LOT of different types of spatulas

Hessenroots: yeah I’m seeing that. specific ones too

Fruitloop: yeah wow..

Hessenroots: they all can do the lords work, or spank. both…not in that order

Fruitloop: true. hee hee.. an added bonus!

Hessenroots: I’m thinking the slots aren’t key. the flat metal edge is a bit more iconic

Fruitloop: no, not for pancakes, I don’t think. Yeah. ok

Hessenroots: no, lol I’m thinking

Fruitloop: yeah. I think you’re right. 50 years of IHOP this year. Come Hungry, Leave Happy

Hessenroots: nice message

Fruitloop: yup. says a lot

Hessenroots: we still have a lot of fleshing out to do but we’re onto something

Fruitloop: yes. definitely something.. great…. something DELICIOUS

Hessenroots: or not…but at least it’s amusing for the time being

Fruitloop: oh, you know it!

Fruitloop: this is pure gold, you know.. golden mapley goodness!

Hessenroots: yummm. these kinds of things have to start someplace. look at mormons! magical golden tablets….right

Fruitloop: hee hee! Magical Golden Omelets!

Hessenroots: breakfast or magic rocks….you decide!

Fruitloop: I choose.. I choose The Delicious Lord! can I touch the spatula now?

Hessenroots: the ONE TRUE Deliciousness

Fruitloop: yes.. One True Deliciousness

Hessenroots: hmmm, yes you may touch the spatula

Fruitloop: alRIGHT!

Hessenroots: but wield it only in the name of the ONE

Fruitloop: of course

Hessenroots: and nothing can save your soul if you use it on cereal

Fruitloop: oh .. oh, don’t even SAY it!

Hessenroots: where does oatmeal fall in ? I do like oatmeal

Fruitloop: oh no. I do too. and I put maple syrup on mine, so it’s good

Hessenroots: ahh ok

Fruitloop: it’s a bridge..

Hessenroots: gotcha

Fruitloop: be careful though.. it’s a gateway food. it can lead you down the path of evil

Hessenroots: first oatmeal, then the occasional Cheerio

Fruitloop: yes. you must only eat it hot.. of course

Hessenroots: then pre-spatula sex, impure thoughts about syrup and then HELL

Fruitloop: HA! shiver! :

Hessenroots: I’d never even thought of eating cold oatmeal, so I’m ok there

Fruitloop: well, I meant as a cold cereal

Hessenroots: ahh. ew no. don’t be gross

Fruitloop: right.. like cheerios. made from oats. so just be careful

Hessenroots: WHOLE GRAIN leads to dead souls

Fruitloop: ah.. yes… true… what kind of toast ????? we almost forgot the TOAST!

Hessenroots: toast is fine I think

Fruitloop: yes. it has to be.. but not alone

Hessenroots: I do like breakfast sandwiches and those need toast

Fruitloop: it must accompany a complete breakfast. and I need toast with my eggs

Hessenroots: yes, or at least one of the major breakfast articles

Fruitloop: yes. sides are all good. in moderation

Hessenroots: yep

Fruitloop: good.

Hessenroots: just not the ‘wrong’ sides….

Fruitloop: right. that could lead to a sick soul. not dead, like with whole grains, but sick, definitely

Hessenroots: yeah

Fruitloop: oh! oh man,… that’s pure evil! I was getting chills

Hessenroots: side by side there’s no comparison

Fruitloop: definitely no comparison. can you say,… NOM NOM!!!

Hessenroots: mmmmmmmm. I don’t recommend Googling “cute waitress”. I’m confused

Fruitloop: cute waitress.. LOL

Hessenroots: jesus, I don’t even want to know why some of that stuff came up in that image search

Fruitloop: UGH

Hessenroots: ack! that’s just sick

Fruitloop: I know.. sorry.. but we need to know the enemy

Hessenroots: true. harsh yet true

Fruitloop: yes. painfully true

Hessenroots: do we want to be slightly more militant or one of those happy go lucky religions?

Fruitloop: oh.. yes. we need to figure this out. I kind of like the idea of being militant because it seems like it would be more fun, in some ways

Hessenroots: me too

Fruitloop: HA. you like militant too?

Hessenroots: yah

Fruitloop: you seem more like a happy go lucky kinda guy

Hessenroots: hmmm well. I am

Fruitloop: so.. we’re militant?

Hessenroots: yep, not so far as to suicide bomb cereal aisles at the grocery store

Fruitloop: right.. but rules are rules..

Hessenroots: exactly

Fruitloop: the menu is all important. you must follow the menu

Hessenroots: and needs to be followed

Fruitloop: right

Hessenroots: lol yes

Fruitloop: yes.. so i’d say we’re rather firm and strict, but fair too. lovingly firm (wink wink)

Hessenroots: well breakfast is nothing but fair. oooo lovingly firm lol! that’ll get people in the door ;P puts an…interesting spin on “Come Hungry, Leave Happy” doesn’t it?

Fruitloop: ooh.. yeah.. lovingly firm.. definitely our motto.

Hessenroots: people might get the wrong idea…or right idea depending on what people want to do with breakfast I suppose

Fruitloop: exactly. and we don’t care.

Hessenroots: nope

Fruitloop: we’re sexually accepting

Hessenroots: well, we might care but only so far as to ask for pictures

Fruitloop: HA! exactly! and please..the restroom is sacred.. no sex in there.

Hessenroots: yeah no

Fruitloop: LOL. unless it’s with the manager or waitress

Hessenroots: hah! they’re holy vessels so it’s ok

Fruitloop: right! but never with the cook.. he’s sacred…

Hessenroots: unless you’re a cook as well

Fruitloop: right… yes. of course..

Hessenroots: professionally, not that “I cook at home” bullshit

Fruitloop: right.. that’s just like.. like saying you don’t need IHOP, and trust me.. you DO. you need us.. for eternal salvation. this is all making me very hungry. oh. bangers and mash.. english breakfasts! oh no! ok… if it’s not on the menu at ihops.. you can’t have it. that’s the rule for weird foreign breakfasts

Hessenroots: ok so is the sex in the bathroom thing a commandment or something we spin into a parable?

Fruitloop: hmm.. parable I think. a creation myth.. like an adam and eve kinda thing.. something like that would be good eventually

Hessenroots: ahh yeah. no good religion is without plenty of sex. and violence

Fruitloop: right. oh no! we don’t have any violence!

Hessenroots: oh we’re militant!

Fruitloop: oh.. we kill pigs and chickens..

Hessenroots: yep!

Fruitloop: right.. ok. whew..

Hessenroots: LOTS of them

Fruitloop: SACRIFICE…

Hessenroots: scrambled abortions

Fruitloop: exactly! abortions over easy!

Hessenroots: what’s our stand on brunch?

Fruitloop: hmm..

Hessenroots: breakfast is good any time of day I think…it’s the meal not the time of day

Fruitloop: right

Hessenroots: making brunch useless and confusing

Fruitloop: yes.. I like that. yes.. brunch is for pansies

Hessenroots: and weakness will not be tolerated!

Fruitloop: no!

Hessenroots: JIHAD on brunch!

Fruitloop: exactly! and those people are weak!

Hessenroots: I have to be careful, at this rate I’ll be declaring holy wars left and right

Fruitloop: yes. but that’s ok

Hessenroots: awesome

Fruitloop: I like violence it’s healthy

Hessenroots: works for me

Fruitloop: sweet

Hessenroots: we have food, violence, sex….pretty much set for happiness as far as I’m concerned

Fruitloop: right!

Hessenroots: that is horrifying

Fruitloop: oh! oh, my deliciousness! the HORROR

Hessenroots: General Mills….I should have known

Fruitloop: yeah..

Hessenroots: How’d this guy become a general anyway?!

Fruitloop: the work of the dark lord. I heard he killed someone. he was…

Hessenroots: over…breakfast!

Fruitloop: he was… a cereal killer!

Hessenroots: oh lord, lol

Fruitloop: sorry..

Hessenroots: no it’s ok, I’m actually laughing. just, I should have seen that coming. back in a few, I need to find either a snack or a waitress

Fruitloop: ok LOL

Hessenroots: turns out I’m fresh out of waitresses. so I’ve settled on grapes

Fruitloop: damn! yeah.. I had to get myself some coffee. Butch suggested a different icon. he suggested a chickenpig. how about a pig that hatches from an egg!

Hessenroots: oooo

Fruitloop: because that is where all breakfasty goodness comes from!

Hessenroots: that could be the higher deity for meats. I certainly wouldn’t want to piss that thing off

Fruitloop: right, ok. That’s GENIUS! I think it needs a bit of cow too. sigh.. it’s so complicated

Hessenroots: religion is never easy. Or shouldn’t be at least

Fruitloop: true. If it’s too easy then any damn fool could just make it up!

Hessenroots: lol really!

Fruitloop: so, complicated and maybe a bit convoluted is good. but we’re lovingly firm. so it’s all ok

Hessenroots: yep. Lovingly firm but you’ll Come Hungry And Leave Happy

Fruitloop: right!

Hessenroots: which is totally open to interpretation

Fruitloop: exactly. but never question it. that’s a sin

Hessenroots: hard to question such a positive message. yet some will

Fruitloop: yes.

Hessenroots: and we will smite them

Fruitloop: we will smite them with our silverware

Hessenroots: this is odd…

Fruitloop: what? WTF? is it a magical cat? why would it dream of spatulas?

Hessenroots: certainly not the oddest one I’ve seen while Googling spatulas but it’s weird

Fruitloop: hee hee

Hessenroots: could the cat be a vessel for The Delicious One?

Fruitloop: I saw it earlier too, but thought it too bizarre to mention

Hessenroots: hah

Fruitloop: oh.. oh.. you may have something there

Hessenroots: with me, nothing is too weird

Fruitloop: no… I don’t think the cat has anything to do with the Delicious One

Hessenroots: hmmm, false prophet ?

Fruitloop: I think the cat’s owner is a liar and a thief.

Hessenroots: JIHAD ON THEM! ON ALL CATS

Fruitloop: YES..

Hessenroots: even though I kinda like cats. we can’t take any chances

Fruitloop: I do too.. but really, this is too much. jihad on all cats. we must be tough on these matters

Hessenroots: yes. no wiggle room. Firm, yet loving

Fruitloop: yes. that’s why we make smiley faces on our pancakes

Hessenroots: holy shit, this is crazy

Fruitloop: wow.. that’s crazy

Fruitloop: can no one ever be satisfied with The One Spatula Of Truth?

Hessenroots: they must think that their technologically advanced spatula can get them closer to heaven

Fruitloop: our simple spatula is the Flipper of Truth and Life

Hessenroots: fools

Fruitloop: but they are WRONG. so wrong

Fruitloop: hee hee this is an actual IHOP pancake

Hessenroots: JIHAD! Pancakes for jesus?!

Fruitloop: JIHAD!!! OH MY FUCKING DELICIOUS ONE!

Hessenroots: not that we have to worry much about that jesus fellow. our gods are far tastier and more open

Fruitloop: yes. stale crackers and sour wine, my ass. Definitely. more friendly

Hessenroots: yep

Fruitloop: definitely more tolerant. WTF?!

Hessenroots: almost infinitely so. Koala bear feeling the love!

Fruitloop: yeah.. you know it. koala bear spreading the love. ooh…

Hessenroots: buttery, sweet love.

Fruitloop: ooh that’s just.. wtf?

Hessenroots: yeah. I’m not sure why. but it is the internet

Fruitloop: too true

Hessenroots:

Fruitloop: that’s what the jesus freaks use to scare xians straight! rogue pancakes! pancakes eager to eat your soul! yummy pancakes.. awaiting the holy syrup

Hessenroots: just waiting to be fulfilled!

Fruitloop: yes!

Hessenroots: I have no idea what this is. it’s safe, the name aside http://richmondpornandpancakes.com/

Fruitloop: ???????

Hessenroots: yeah…. w t f

Fruitloop: OH!!! wait, I’ve heard of this!

Hessenroots: ?

Fruitloop: this creep.. he gets men that are addicted to porn and feeds them pancakes then preaches to them about turning to jesus! he uses PANCAKES to soothe them.. then tries to lull them to christ! JIHAD ON THEM!

Hessenroots: ok that sounds too surreal even for me

Fruitloop: I saw it on TV. so it must be true

Hessenroots: hah

Fruitloop: I think I saw it on Penn and Teller’s Bullshit

Hessenroots: ahhh

Fruitloop: but that was before I knew about The Delicious One

Hessenroots: well of course

Fruitloop: I was lost in a sea of cold cereal

Hessenroots: as we all are before discovering the TRUE power of the Deliciousness

Fruitloop: right

Hessenroots: hmmm, aerosol pancake batter:

Fruitloop: organic. wtf? JIHAD.. there’s no shortcut to The Delicious One!

Hessenroots: NO SHORTCUTS

Fruitloop: exactly

Hessenroots: quick & easy it says

Fruitloop: quick and easy trip to HELL!!!! right…. well said brother Hess

Hessenroots: I do what I can for my people

Hessenroots: “Just point, blast and cook! ” jerks

Fruitloop: criminal!

Hessenroots: how in the hell is that organic?

Fruitloop: no kidding! that’s nasty. this will get you back in line

Hessenroots: ooooo it’s tingly. the mere thought has me feeling better

Fruitloop: hee hee yes. OH!!! OH!!! a rare treat! a COOK!

Hessenroots: two cooks!

Fruitloop: I know.. oh wow.. I feel so blessed

Hessenroots: yes. how on earth were they photographed?!

Fruitloop:

Hessenroots: hmmm flaming IHOP. I’ll bet cats started it. with their mind powers

Fruitloop: yeah.. that’s just.. attack of the secret cereal killers? cats are cereal killers. definitely

Hessenroots: ! it’s horrible!

Fruitloop: ROFL!!! damn cats!

Hessenroots: it makes sense. tony the tiger… cat…

Fruitloop: oh.. yeah.. you’re right

Hessenroots:

Fruitloop: HA! PROOF!~

Hessenroots: yep. internets don’t lie

Fruitloop: damnit! no .. the interweb is full of TRUTH..

Hessenroots: mmmhm

Fruitloop: this is all pretty staggering

Hessenroots: an emotional blow from on high. tasty though

Fruitloop: yes. tasty goodness… we’ve found the WAY.. the TRUTH .. the LOVING FIRMNESS

Hessenroots: LOVING FIRMNESS is the TRUTH

Fruitloop: yes.

Hessenroots: COMING HUNGRY and LEAVING HAPPY is the Path. I do, however, have plenty to say about that TheCall group and their weird training camp

Fruitloop: yes, I hope so! this is at IHOP!

Hessenroots: holy shit

Fruitloop: pancakes with maple syrup is the LIFE

Hessenroots: that’s intense

Fruitloop: whocakes.. yes.

Hessenroots: crazy

Fruitloop: that’s what they’re called

Hessenroots: whocakes. ok then

Fruitloop: hee hee more evidence!

Hessenroots: haha! The pancake is too cunning, even for the cat’s telepathic powers!

Fruitloop: HA! exactly. there are lots of those pics out there too. JIHAD!!! Oh! Then there’s THIS!

Hessenroots: SUCCESS! take that!

Fruitloop: yes. woot!

Fruitloop: then there’s this blasphemy:

Hessenroots: someone mocking us, clearly

Fruitloop: yes. little do they know the power of Pancake Jihad

Hessenroots: they underestimate us and how firm we can be:

Fruitloop: NO SHIT! they already know! if you cook it, they will come!

Hessenroots: and they will come hungry

Fruitloop: and leave happy

Commandments: (under revision)
1. Remember the Breakfast and keep it Holy.
2. Never send a meal back to the kitchen.
3. You must only order from the menu. Order wisely. It’s your connection to the WORD

Now if you need to choose a religion, which would you pick? A savior of rich mapley goodness and bacony delight, or a boring old savior that offers only stale tasteless crackers and sour wine? I mean, come on, the choice is clear!

Heaving Dead Cats » lord

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